It’s touchy, but we’re going there. We should all do ourselves a favor and stop compartmentalizing this subject under the “it’s none of my business, but tragic at best” file in our minds. It IS your business. It’s the business of us all because this problem has not only existed since, I’m assuming the beginning of humanity, but it’s growing increasingly worse. Sure, it’s an uncomfortable subject. I’m not attacking men here, either, in case you’re prematurely casting judgment before you read this in its entirety. Women are abusing and killing their children and spouses every day, too. I’m attacking the problem of abuse.
Maybe you flinch hearing about news headlines because it reminds you of someone you know. Maybe you’re a part of the generation who still think women shouldn’t talk about personal matters outside of their homes. Maybe you would just rather not know because it’s easier not to think about it. Maybe you grew up in that environment and it has taken all you have to not look back.
Despite any personal experiences, expectations, or judgments—this is a growing problem, and I’m baffled as to why it is becoming more and more common and yet, we are not speaking up more about it.
In the last month, I cannot even count how many women have come to me about this subject as a friend. It’s more than six in ONE month. I cannot count how many news reports I have read where women are going missing, children are being killed, mothers and daughters are found murdered, mothers are killed in front of their children. One devastating, underlying fact in most of these cases is that a history of emotional and verbal abuse preceded a pattern of physical abuse and violence.
I know there is a certain level of shame and embarrassment that women face in coming forward about most victimizing circumstances. The rape victims who are shamed in small towns because of the football stars who are “unlikely to do something like that,” or the athletes’ wives who retract their statements to the police, despite the obvious attacks caught on cameras around the world because the public hate and shaming are so unbearable. The girls who suffer assault and are later attacked for putting themselves in compromising positions.
According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence:
- On average, nearly 20 people per minute are physically abused by an intimate partner in the United States. During one year, this equates to more than 10 million women and men.
- 1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men have been victims of [some form of] physical violence by an intimate partner within their lifetime.
- 1 in 5 women and 1 in 7 men have been victims of severe physical violence by an intimate partner in their lifetime.
- 1 in 7 women and 1 in 18 men have been stalked by an intimate partner during their lifetime to the point in which they felt very fearful or believed that they or someone close to them would be harmed or killed.
- On a typical day, there are more than 20,000 phone calls placed to domestic violence hotlines nationwide.
- The presence of a gun in a domestic violence situation increases the risk of homicide by 500%.
- Intimate partner violence accounts for 15% of all violent crime.
- Women between the ages of 18-24 are most commonly abused by an intimate partner.
- 19% of domestic violence involves a weapon.
- Domestic victimization is correlated with a higher rate of depression and suicidal behavior.
- Only 34% of people who are injured by intimate partners receive medical care for their injuries.
Here is another swift kick to your thinking cap: The problem isn’t just men who have a problem. It’s women, too. Hear me out: the problem is real, no one can deny that. It exists for both men and women. Whether it has to do with substance abuse problems, mental health, learned behavior, anger problems, you name it—the problem exists.
The reactions of women who play direct roles in the lives of these men are sometimes perpetuating the problem. Charles Swindoll said “Life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it.” Mothers and wives who turn a blind eye, who justify it in fear…they authorize their acceptance of it every day on repeat. This response validates every heightened, toxic moment of that behavior and tells not only the abuser but the children who watch that it’s permissible…that this is what love looks like. Then, that becomes the only version of love and marriage that they ever see until they seek their own.
The women who internalize all of the anxiety, hatefulness, sorrow, exhaustion, violence, verbal assaults, etc. are eroding themselves from the inside out when they start believing it all. Even worse? When they start believing they deserve it, which is a natural progression of habit in this broken pattern. Eleanor Roosevelt said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” This statement could not be more accurate, and our inner voices are so much louder than any other, however aggressive or delicately hateful in nature of delivery.
We all have choices to make throughout our lives. Choose the ones you can live with. Speak up. Talk to someone, talk to anyone, and if someone comes to you, don’t brush it off as a trivial domestic spat that “isn’t your business” if everything in your gut tells you it’s more than that. We’re not loving each other by skimming the surface of really caring about each other’s well-being. If you’re the problem, you should speak up, too. You shouldn’t want to destroy the people who love you. Find the resolutions necessary because they exist as well.
Love is not what someone decides it should be according to them, especially if all it ever makes you feel is empty and broken. It doesn’t require your constant justification for its wrongdoings, excuses for its misgivings, and it doesn’t attempt to destroy you and then decide the decibel of ruin that you’re allowed to feel and recover from. It doesn’t demand your constant handholding to make any progress, only to drag you below the surface again. I believe it’s possible to come to a point where you can’t recognize yourself anymore. I also believe it’s possible to find yourself again with more clarity than you ever thought possible.
R.W. Emerson wrote, “The only person you are destined to become is the person you decide to be.” Be the person who finds awareness, who helps and does not hurt. Be the person who cares about others, the one who really listens. Be the person who can find clarity in the midst of despair. Be the person who can recognize love and distinguish between its actuality and its shell. Sometimes, it’s a relief to find that you were wrong.
Be someone who perseveres.
God Bless,
M
Blue Withens 