I love children. I love how they have a special way of communicating information to you with all inhibition and worry tossed to the wayside. I love how funny and detailed imaginations can get. I love how they call you out about things at exactly the right time. I especially love their skill for expecting parents to be mind readers just because they assume you are an adult version of them, so you should automatically identify every desire, disappointment, and emotional construct inside those tiny developing constitutions on a daily basis. My daughter has a tendency to call my name and make demands like I somehow joined her payroll and owe her a full-time salaried position of work.
Not only is it impossible to maintain a rational conversation with irrational little beings, but besides having no indication of what they are actually thinking (still not a mind reader), sometimes, it’s an impossible feat to attempt to resolve the situation or emotion at hand even when you finally figure out the original problem.
In the last two weeks, we have had dance class, football practices, school projects, a possible strep/full-body rash occurrence, the unexpected death of a friend, work deadlines, occupational/feeding therapy, doctoral degree homework, a birthday party, and the day-to-day stuff we all approach each week.
In addition to this chaos, as if that isn’t enough, my daughter has decided to resurface her emotional breakdowns that last impressive amounts of time and end with her screaming, sobbing, shaking, and almost vomiting. I thought those tantrums faded into the abyss along with her toddler years, but nearly every single day this past week, she has graced me with the fit of an emotional hurricane, where tiny tornados of rage, fear, and confusion break loose at the seams, and she can’t seem to find a way to regulate or control it until it just passes. The aftermath is usually a quiet calm. She’s 5 years old now, and when she was 2, I had no real way of figuring out what was happening, much less how to communicate with her about it.
One night, my husband was at work, and we went through the whole song and dance again, this time, over a piece of paper with a heart on it that she couldn’t find, before and after my stepson’s football practice, and after I had worked all day already. I stay calm, and I tried to calm her down but to no avail. By the time it was all over, the bedtime routine was finished, the kids were asleep, and I still had homework to finish. When everything was done for the night, I could have cried. It was one of those days where I was glad it was over, but I hated how bad it turned.
I am pretty good with trying to maintain control of situations, which isn’t always a good thing. I make lists. I fill up calendars. I plan my days/weeks in advance. I like to know what’s coming and have everything ready. I like to be prepared and have confidence in what I’m doing.
I hate uncertainty. I hate feeling lost in an airport or surprised by how something turns out differently. This particular tonight, I felt more lost than usual. As a parent, we like to think we know our children and have everything figured out to the best of our abilities, but in this particular moment, I didn’t feel that at all.
I was overwhelmed and confused and worried. I started praying.
- I prayed about how impossible it feels to parent in a sensory-sensitive situation that I can’t even begin to understand.
- I prayed about how I’m still confused by certain behaviors and how to approach them without them getting worse or creating a bigger problem.
- I prayed about how I know God chose me to be her mom because He knew I was right for her, but her emotions are so intense and surprising sometimes, and there’s fear wrapped up in it, and I don’t always know how to fix it for her or take it away for her, or how to be the mother she needs in the moment she feels so overwhelmed or out of control.
- I prayed about how to not feel so lost in this journey that she and I are both on in figuring this all out.
- I prayed about the guilt over being a mom who has to “figure it out” when my assumptions are that most moms already get it.
A few days later, she was starting ballet class. She’s very particular about her clothes and where hems or tags touch, and she won’t have a button anywhere near her. I knew she would not be completely thrilled about ballet clothes, but she was ecstatic to start ballet, so it was a start. She agreed to get her clothes picked out and try them on before class, and I told her, just say to yourself, “I’m 5 years old. I’m a ballerina. This is how we do it. I don’t get scared.”
She said it to herself in the mirror a few times, each time with more confidence than the last. When it was time for class the next day, she got dressed slowly but completely, and then she wanted to go to the bathroom. I waited outside the door, and I could hear her tiny voice through the door:
“I’m 5. I’m a ballerina. This is how we do it. And I don’t get scared.“
She came out, and it was the first day she fell in love with ballet.
That night, I talked to her grandmother about it, and she said, “You are such a good mom to her. You don’t just take fear away for her but you’re teaching her how to overcome her fears and have confidence in herself.”
I thought about my night of being overwhelmed. I thought about all of those prayers where I just asked God to help me know how to reach her the best when she needs it the most. I certainly do not have it figured out, and every day seems to present a new challenge that I never expect or see coming (and I really do hate surprises), but the truth is that God is preparing that little girl for something, and He is preparing me, and I have no idea what it could be for, but I trust him because I know that He is good.
Parenting is not easy, and there are more challenging days than others, with plenty more ahead, but the way that we look at our kids and think about them, the way that we want the best for them, and the challenges and fears we never want them to have to face but we know they will, and the confidence that we want them to build inside and around themselves like a fortress of truth and might—these are the ways that God thinks about us. These are the characteristics of a Father who is completely about love. It’s okay not to have every answer when you think you should have it, and it’s okay to be overwhelmed or heartbroken at an emotional turn, but in the end, my loyalty and my trust reside with God, and I know that no matter what comes, I am not facing it on my own.
So hug your little ones, pray over what is on your heart, have patience for the unfamiliar and unexpected, and know that God already understands your fear or worry before you even bring it to Him. Here are some verses that will can surround your heart and mind with the comfort of peace:
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
Philippians 4:6-7
“Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time He may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on Him, because He cares for you.”
1 Peter 5:6-7
“Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me and know my anxious thoughts.”
Psalm 139:23
“I pray that the God who gives hope will fill you with much joy and peace while you trust in Him. Then your hope will overflow by the power of the Holy Spirit.”
Romans 15:13
“I have told you these things so that you can have peace because of me. In this world you will have trouble. But be encouraged! I have won the battle over the world.”
John 16:33
“He said to her, “Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering.”
Mark 5:34
God bless,
M
Blue Withens 