It is strange to miss such simple things right now. Eating at a restaurant across from my husband, taking my kids to trampoline parks, hugging my parents, whom I haven’t seen much lately, or singing with the worship team at church. I miss coffee dates and dinner nights with my friends. The last few months have been like something out of a sci-fi movie. Incomprehensible illness, increase in global death rate, the sudden spread of infection, and a growing fear of uncertain possibilities have gripped us all and changed everything we hoped and planned for the start of summer. Mothers and fathers everywhere shudder at the slight continued cough from their children because of what it could now mean with this COVID-19 virus.
Two months ago, I was excited to wrap up two of my final three doctoral classes. I decided to double up and take two in the same term so I can finish sooner. Two weeks later, the world shut down, and I began homeschooling our kids with my husband. I already work from home, so that did not change, but I was working from home with a full house of busy, important people, who also had a set of their own priorities, schedules, and video meetings.
Two months ago, I loved working/editing during the day, book editing and homework at night, and the occasional free-time Target or Hobby Lobby browse with a mocha in hand. I loved meals with my family, hearing about the kids’ days at school, and movie nights with my husband.
I hated meal planning, cooking complicated meals, stretching work over more than one day that I knew I could finish in a day, and never having time to finish books on my reading list.
But then, everything changed. The kids were home every day, my course work for school was doubled, and I was still working and editing books. My initial feeling was to be overwhelmed, confused, frustrated about how full each day was from the moment I opened my eyes, and worried about the virus spreading to my family or that I would not handle juggling so many priorities very well.
There are days I feel like I am crushing it as a wife and mother, and there are days where I have to walk away from things, like laundry baskets and a final chapter edit so that I can sleep. A new routine has been established, one that includes keeping children’s imaginations alive while staying home, healthy, and safe. It includes educating them and finding interesting meals and resourceful cooking, creative projects, and motivational reading. It went from running to baseball practice/sensory therapy/ballet/the grocery store to a new world of Zoom meetings/water days with the pool and backyard splash park we created, and online grocery pick-ups. I cannot imagine how changed the world looks to our kids, being 5 and 6 years old, when they are still deciding and understanding what their lives actually look like as they grow into the people they will become.
I found that it was possible to carve out time to read, and then I didn’t want to stop. It was possible to care about things I didn’t love before because I found something I cared about in the process. I finally just said to myself, Okay, stop putting things off. You actually have the time now.
My grandmother, Guadalupe, passed away before I turned 9 years old, from breast cancer, and I loved her. She had the most contagious laugh and such a natural skill for telling stories. As an adult, I hate that I did not get more time with her, to learn more about Mexican culture, language, and food. I inherited her molcajete (that sat on my kitchen counter for years, unused), and I knew that I would use it one day, I just needed to know how. I spent years learning what I could from my dad, and I always wanted to get into auténtica comida Mexicana, the authentic food, but it always looked so difficult, so I put it off until later. I told myself I’d wait until I had more time to invest in it.
When both of my doctoral classes ended, I felt like I needed to fill that time with something, a place to grow or find more purpose. My mind kept drifting back to that dream of learning more authentic recipes, and that idea coupled with my bored palate from the simple meals I had been cooking stirred something up in me.
I started learning recipe types and techniques from a woman from Michoacán, and now I am in love. My kitchen looks like a different place to me, filled with wonder and spice, even potential. My aunts send me recipe tips that they use, and after some practice, I actually look forward to meal preparation. I enjoy being creative but staying within cultural boundaries. I love knowing that it’s a part of my grandma and her history, my dad’s story, a part of my heritage, and something I can pass on to my daughter because it is in her blood as well.
I’m careful in meal preparation now, selecting with purpose and full intention, and not cutting corners but allowing tortilla dough to rest or chile sauce to season and simmer for the appropriate lengths of time. Through experience, I’m learning how long it takes to roast guajillo chiles before they get bitter, how to differentiate between tomato and chile sauce, the perfect splash of lime in certain dishes, and the combinations that work better with corn tortillas vs. flour tortillas.
I’m learning to have patience with myself and the process that is necessary for the meal to turn out like it should and to embrace the unforeseen changes (e.g., pots boiling over or roasting tomatoes too long) that may take place. I’m learning to love something that I always felt was a little bit like a chore or something that did not come creatively to me. I can cook, I’ve been able to cook since my mom taught me at 16. I wanted to be able to cook with purpose and intent. I wanted to love it for the simple fact that I was nurturing others in a unique way. I wanted to enjoy it enough so that my daughter can learn it one day when she’s ready. I want her to know all of the significance that can come with preparing a meal together.
I am carving out more time for books, meal planning, and Bible study. I am focusing on the positives that may come out of this season rather than dwelling on the negative changes (like my daughter never got her first ballet recital, my stepson never finished his tee-ball season, we cannot go to church every week like normal, they never got to say goodbye to their teachers in a real way, we have to worry about exposure with other people and catching a virus that is taking over the world, everyone is going stir-crazy staying at home day after day, working with a house full of people can be difficult, etc.). There are so many downsides to what is happening in the world today. The fear of an unknown illness taking the life of someone you love–it’s a scary thought. And it is a matter of choice to continue to practice caution but focus on the positives in these circumstances. And for me, that meant to stop pushing to the side something that I always wanted to know more about and love.
If I have learned anything in this season, it is that sometimes, we do have to slow down and take a step back. Look at the routine we are in and the way time is utilized and find better ways to do spend it with more meaning and effectiveness.
Stop putting off those things you care about because you feel like they may take too much time or are too much work, or will take too long to learn or enjoy in a successful way. Have a chat with God about why those questions or goals or dreams were put on your heart. Think about where you are in your life and ask yourself what you are waiting for in the process. Pray about it, dive into God’s Word about what He says about the desires of your heart.
Psalm 37:4-9 says,
“Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.
Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will do this:
He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn,
your vindication like the noonday sun.
Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him;
do not fret when people succeed in their ways,
when they carry out their wicked schemes.
Refrain from anger and turn from wrath;
do not fret—it leads only to evil.
For those who are evil will be destroyed,
but those who hope in the Lord will inherit the land.”
This is the journey, and it looks so different for all of us, but you can change direction at any point. You can decide if something is not working, to change it. You can start something new, you can fall in love with a new aspect of something you’ve done forever. After a while, those impacts will change you more than you realize and you may find a deeper purpose in it. Sometimes, change happens and our only course of action available is to adapt, and that is okay. It is part of the journey, and God will use it to bring something beautiful about in the process. Even something as simple as valuing cooking in a different way because of the meaning that it brings.
Stay in prayer, stay encouraged, and God bless you all,
M
Blue Withens 