When “In Progress” is Enough for One Day

Anxiety can be such a bother. It’s like that mostly nice ex-boyfriend you realized you tolerated your entire relationship, who continues calling your parents every holiday after you both, your families, about three summer solstices, six seasons of Downton Abbey, and even your pets have moved on. I have such a love-hate relationship with anxiety. On one hand, a little dose can be the driving force of motivation we need to push us out of our comfort zones and grow, to challenge ourselves in ways we never imagined. In other ways, it can really creep in and rob people without their consent. It’s wild how it will manifest between ages as well, but when it rears its unpleasant, pestering face, we’re faced with choices—more than we realized we had in one day. We are tasked with how we choose to respond to it, interact with it, control it, or give in to its demands.

My 7-year-old, sensory sensitive daughter had a dentist appointment recently, and as soon as I had to give her the necessary 3-day warning notice so she could begin settling her nerves over it, I began to grow anxious for her. She never knew that, but I instantly worried about how this visit would go, seeing as how earlier dental appointments have either gone okay for the most part, or we left the office with her in tears, refusing even a small mirror near her mouth. Her sensory focus is mostly regarding food, so oral sensitivities are a real thing in my house. I never force her into situations or with food that she is not comfortable with, especially if my encouragement is met with steadfast resistance.

“Mom, will they have to use that hook thing? How cold is the mirror? Does the dentist use the hook, too? Does it go back near my throat at all? What are the toothpaste flavors they use? Is the toothbrush going to hurt my teeth when it vibrates? Is the straw with water really cold? Does it come out really fast and surprise people? Do I have to use that, or will they just give me a cup? Will it be Ms. Casey again? I like her so much, but what if it’s someone else?”

I could feel her emotions stirring, which led me to reassure her that she would be perfectly fine, as she always has been at these appointments. My mind was racing with ways I could prepare and reassure her, so that she felt some semblance of control and expectation, though she has been to these appointments for years now. The visit went better than I could have imagined. She did worry about a few areas of the process, including shedding a few tears in the parking lot beforehand, but the dentist came in and gave her the biggest gold star report. He looked at me and said, “She’s doing great! And she’s making progress each visit. Good all-around.” She and I were both so proud of that report. Progress is a win, and I completely champion that in her life on a daily basis. So why am I so hard on myself about not being where I want to be or think I should be at a given time?

Recently, I started working on my Mexican-style embroidery shop that I created in 2020, before COVID-19 and giving birth to another daughter delayed my progress. I am mostly building inventory at this point to sell, but I have also taken my time, giving care to each piece that I make. I find it both invigorating and honorable to treat each vivid piece with respect to the Chiapas, Oaxacan, and Otomi heritage styles in which I have learned to continue this art. It feels like it has taken a lifetime to get it moving along, but I know it will be worth it in the end. I know that parenting three children is beyond a full-time job, with school responsibilities, sports, toddler schedules, class projects, meal planning in specific capacities, and the list goes on and on. I find it more and more difficult to make time for me or embroidery or any outlet really, with five demanding schedules moving constantly in our family; however, I choose not to let that worry or frustrate me because I know what my goals look like and why they exist for me. I know that I am in progress, as well as some of my projects, and that’s okay because one day, everything will move forward. I am just as impacted and motivated by the process as I am the desired outcome.

What about less outward displays and more internal capacities? What about hurt, heartache, or fear? I know that setbacks and pain are part of being alive. We have no way around them, only through the center for a quick tornado-eye reprieve, and then we dive back into the other side again, weathering it all as it comes, flying farm animals and all. In my mind and my heart, I feel like I have made so much progress, but setbacks still surface. Humanity can be a blessing, but it can also knock the air out of you with impeccable force. Right now, I’m torn about the direction of my walk with God. I know I’m pursuing Him, but it’s the manner in which I execute that plan and deliver that I’m in turmoil over. I’m not sure what He’ll call me to next, but I know that my heart has to be open for His voice, or I’ll miss it.

Isaiah 41:10-13 says,

I find significant comfort and peace in God’s love and in those words. He’s delivered me from unthinkable places, and I will forever choose Him. I want my daughter to find peace in her process from His grace also. I love her so much, and I wish I could take the burdens of her fear off of her thoughts. I wish I could open her access to healing conversations in her mind that would resonate each time she needed to push anxiety back and say, “Let me be for now.”

Recently, she left a situation where she had fretted over sitting with me or going in the room with the kid’s group at an event. She met a few people, and within minutes, she walked to the door and said, “Mom, I’m okay. I think I want to sit with my new friends.” She gave me a thumbs up and turned to walk out into the other room where her age group was located. This may seem small to some people, and I’m sure with how other children face each day, it may be small. But for Eden, this was a huge step. This was progress, and she’s still growing and changing into the young woman she will become. My hope is to support her the best way I can, and I will be the first to admit that I don’t always have the answer, but I know God is preparing me to find it without fear or frustration.

“For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.”

2 Timothy 1:7

Where are you feeling anxious in your life right now? How do you position it with your purpose? If you don’t, then how do you address it that makes sense for you? Or does it make sense? What has the world been to you, and how do you settle pain? I’m still working my way through that one. I can tell you it is a good thing to feel okay today, even if tomorrow is completely different. We will spend our lifetimes changing and growing. Finding peace in the process is what proves more difficult. It is an important and self-defining moment to say, “I’m still in progress, and I can live with that because of where God has led me and what I have overcome to get here.” Be proud of who you are and how far you have come. It’s a long way from where you started.

God bless,

M